It's incredible how much life changes from 1 year to another, or better yet, how much one can change as a human being. I've changed. I've grown. Even it sucks, it is quite true that suffering makes one grow. I've been back in the States for some time now. I came back in June. I miss my life in Florence and the friends I made. It amazes me how one can sometimes plan and plan things in one's life but in the end things will inevitably go the way they are supposed to. The hardest part is finding one's way.
I am almost 22 years old now and I seem more lost than ever.
I've had a constant struggle in my life with decision making. However, once I make a decision and put it in my heart, it will stay there. Some say you only get 1 life and you can't live it in a constant stay on "carefulness" because it will pass you by. That may be true, but i still can't let myself not be careful with the things I do. I have seen first hand what happens when you take things too lightly. One bad decision can have a huge impact in your future life and wellbeing. I don't know. I guess I'm scared. I would really dread not being/becoming a person for my family to feel proud of or worth respecting.
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It has almost been 17 months since Michael's passing and I'm still in mourning.
This won't change. Not unless Michael receives justice. As long as his murder is gone unpunished and the people who did him so wrong will alive and still after his death are still controlling things we don't get the serenity or peace to start mourning and start moving to the next step. They say the first step of mourning is anger and we still haven't moved passed that because there's still so much f_en injustice in all of this!
All this MESS just has me in an emotional state so 'all over the place' that I can' concentrate half the time. And all the while I'm in search for myself. I am in search for something that will give me peace. 17 months and I still cry at random times during the day! I cry myself to sleep sometimes.
This had never happened to me before. i sometimes feel guilty because I've had people in my family, people I have memories with, people I actually met, that have died...one was murdered, and I still did not go through this.
In times like this I'm almost glad I don't live with my mom because I couldn't bare to see her in the eye and confess such things, since those family members are from her side of the family. My mother was very affected by their passing and yet I am affected by a person I didn't even meet.
I wouldn't want my mother to see me in such random emotional states.
I guess my time away from home, my time in Italy helped me in that department. Because even tough the first months were the toughest and i spent them here, I swallowed my pain until dark came. Nighttime was my time to allow myself to cry my heart out. In Italy however I was a little more free, especially since I had Ashley with me. She understood better than anybody what I was going through. I can't imagine what she must have felt like to be at the memorial. At first she was somewhat guarded, but I saw and felt her pain after watching TII.
Sometimes I wish I had a place where I could go and just let go, yell out my pain and frustration let it all out! Maybe I'm still not healing because I still have so much pain and anger in me and after 17 months of let it out little by little, I can only conclude I have a lot more in me.
Every week when we go under a bridge, when I look up at the sky and see the stars or a shooting star or any opportunity I get to make a wish I find myself asking for the same thing: justice and for the truth to me know.
