new old family

This Sunday I'll be flying to AZ. to be with my mom. It's been 2 years since I've been there, since I've visited my family. I'm excited.

Today I finally finished all the paperwork I had to turn in for school. Plus, something surprising happened. My dad's aunt called to get in contact with him. It incredible because she's the last one left out of all my grandfather's family. She's my grandfather's baby sister. It's crazy because that would be the first time and only possibility of having a glimpse of the older generation on my father's family. I never got to meet my grandparent because they were dead way before I was ever even thought of.

What's even more crazy is that I supposedly have met her before. My dad told me he took me to his family when I was about 8 years old, but I do not remember a thing. Nothing. It's as if something happened in my life and I wasn't there. It kinda really bothers me that I cannot remember.

I told my dad I wanted to meet her, this time with me being actually present, but he's going over to her house until Monday. I won't be there, but I hope I can meet her soon. And her son and daughter...maybe even her grandchildren! Crazy how families grow and grow and one kinda looses touch and contact with them. It really goes to show that we all are brothers and sisters, we're all family no matter what.

life fly on by

It's incredible how much life changes from 1 year to another, or better yet, how much one can change as a human being. I've changed. I've grown. Even it sucks, it is quite true that suffering makes one grow.

I've been back in the States for some time now. I came back in June. I miss my life in Florence and the friends I made. It amazes me how one can sometimes plan and plan things in one's life but in the end things will inevitably go the way they are supposed to. The hardest part is finding one's way.

I am almost 22 years old now and I seem more lost than ever.

I've had a constant struggle in my life with decision making. However, once I make a decision and put it in my heart, it will stay there. Some say you only get 1 life and you can't live it in a constant stay on "carefulness" because it will pass you by. That may be true, but i still can't let myself not be careful with the things I do. I have seen first hand what happens when you take things too lightly. One bad decision can have a huge impact in your future life and wellbeing. I don't know. I guess I'm scared. I would really dread not being/becoming a person for my family to feel proud of or worth respecting.

______________________

It has almost been 17 months since Michael's passing and I'm still in mourning.

This won't change. Not unless Michael receives justice. As long as his murder is gone unpunished and the people who did him so wrong will alive and still after his death are still controlling things we don't get the serenity or peace to start mourning and start moving to the next step. They say the first step of mourning is anger and we still haven't moved passed that because there's still so much f_en injustice in all of this!

All this MESS just has me in an emotional state so 'all over the place' that I can' concentrate half the time. And all the while I'm in search for myself. I am in search for something that will give me peace. 17 months and I still cry at random times during the day! I cry myself to sleep sometimes.

This had never happened to me before. i sometimes feel guilty because I've had people in my family, people I have memories with, people I actually met, that have died...one was murdered, and I still did not go through this.

In times like this I'm almost glad I don't live with my mom because I couldn't bare to see her in the eye and confess such things, since those family members are from her side of the family. My mother was very affected by their passing and yet I am affected by a person I didn't even meet.

I wouldn't want my mother to see me in such random emotional states.

I guess my time away from home, my time in Italy helped me in that department. Because even tough the first months were the toughest and i spent them here, I swallowed my pain until dark came. Nighttime was my time to allow myself to cry my heart out. In Italy however I was a little more free, especially since I had Ashley with me. She understood better than anybody what I was going through. I can't imagine what she must have felt like to be at the memorial. At first she was somewhat guarded, but I saw and felt her pain after watching TII.

Sometimes I wish I had a place where I could go and just let go, yell out my pain and frustration let it all out! Maybe I'm still not healing because I still have so much pain and anger in me and after 17 months of let it out little by little, I can only conclude I have a lot more in me.

Every week when we go under a bridge, when I look up at the sky and see the stars or a shooting star or any opportunity I get to make a wish I find myself asking for the same thing: justice and for the truth to me know.

a couple of days to go

So in a couple of days I'll be in Italy. I still cannot find myself excited about it. I'm still saddend by the physical passing of Michael but I know that is not the reason for my unexcitment. I still need to finish packing and putting everything together.
Today I went to Tj to get a haircut. I really needed it. My hair was way too long and in 9 months I know it is going to grow a lot, so I have no worries about that. I'll call my mom and my siblings in a few minutes, because I won't be able to call them as often as I would like to over there.
See what happens...

The Ultimate Astrology Personality Analysis: Pisces

Pisces: The Upside
There’s a persistent rumor among astrologers that you can always spot a Pisces by their crossed legs, even if they’re standing. Like many clichés, this one has a grain of truth in it. Perhaps this is because Pisces' symbol, two fish tied by an invisible cord as they swim in opposite directions, is being expressed.

This may account for some of the duality seen within the Pisces personality as well. Intuitive, spiritual and always there with a kind smile; these are the Pisces characteristics we know and love best. Not only are compassionate Pisces great friends, but because of their strong musical and artistic talents, they make for some fantastic dinner companions! Moreover, like the symbolic dual fish, Pisces is very adept at “feeling” the under currents in the air, and then acting appropriately.

The Downside
It’s those very same undercurrents, Pisces, that can be your undoing. Pisces can sometimes swim in deep, murky waters, a trait that they often internalize. It’s rare to see a Pisces complain; they usually hold their conflict in until it overtakes them. And while it’s very true that Pisces can count kindness as one of their greatest assets, when the going gets rough, their desire to escape becomes prevalent.

Neptune, your guardian ruler, rules all forms of escapism; sleeping pills, narcotics and alcohol all fall under this planet's domain. Steer clear of the pull of escapism, while embracing your inner truths, and you’ll be quite successful in life.

The Week of the Loner

You live in a private world all your own. Your home is a retreat from the world, where you admit very few. You tend to isolate yourself more then what is good for you. You have a distinct dislike for superficiality; you mistrust loud, aggressive or pushy people and find it hard to work with people who lack sensitivity. Grace, honesty and an unassailable aesthetic and moral code prevent you from acting underhandedly or particularly hurtful. You have elegance and grace in all that you do, you are a great admirer of sensuous beauty, particularly in people and paintings and you give your home a special touch. You have a strong soulful side and have empathy for all forms of human suffering. You see a distinct difference between being lonely (which you rarely are) and being alone (which you are often) You can become addicted easily to drugs, drink, sex. You crave peak experiences. You ask only to be accepted as you really are. You have few friends that you are close and loyal to. You can be snagged by a pretty face, sensuous voice or alluring body. Once attached to someone it becomes an addiction and when you decide to be free of your love object you experience powerful separation anxiety. Strengths: Soulful – Intimate – Graceful Weaknesses: Reclusive – Disappointed – Suffering .

the passing time

It's difficult so sense the undeniable passing of time, of life. It goes by and you either get on the train or watch it pass without ever realizing what you've missed; and in the case you realize it, it's more than likely too late. Time moves forward, never back. That is a lesson difficult to conseptualize by of extreme necessity if one wants to be a fulfilled happy person.

I've realized that time sometimes passes painfully slow and other times it flies ... with a little more than a month to go, I am not sure what I actually feel about it all.

Can You Feel It - The Jacksons

Privacy

Ain’t the pictures enough, why do you go through so much
To get the story you need, so you can bury me
You’ve got the people confused, you tell the stories you choose
You try to get me to lose the man I really am

You keep on stalking me, invading my privacy
won’t you just let me be
‘cause you cameras can’t control, the minds of those who know
That you’ll even sell your soul just to get a story sold

[CHORUS]
I need my privacy, I need my privacy
So paparazzi, get away from me

Some of you still wonder why, one of my friends had to die
To get a message across, that yet you haven’t heard
My friend was chased and confused, like many others I knew
But on that cold winter night, my pride was snatched away

Now she get no second chance, she just ridiculed and harassed
Please tell my why
No there’s a lesson to learn, respect’s not given, it’s earned
Stop maliciously attacking my integrity

[CHORUS]

Now there’s a lesson to learn, stories are twisted and turned
Stop maliciously attacking my integrity

[CHORUS x 3]

Privacy audio

me ha hecho llorar

me ha hecho llorar porque se que dice la verdad. me ha hecho sentir un nudo en la garganta y un golpe en el estomago, porque empiezo a dudar yo. no quiero dudar, quiero confiar. me ha hecho llorar porque tengo miedo que sea verdad. no quiero que sea verdad. quiero que todo sea un malentendido, una causa del destino. una causa de "papeleos" y tramites. no quiero que termine. no quiero que se de por vencido. lo quiero conmigo.